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Twinning/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, getting a stump like this outta your yard can be as tough as getting your wife's uncle outta your spare bedroom. But here's a solution. Get a great big beach ball, like the one I had a minute ago. Fill her up with helium, like I did a minute ago. Then wrap it up with, oh, say, 3,000 feet of rope. Then you tie the other end of the rope to the stump, way low down near the roots. Now, depending on where you live, you might use more rope; you might use less. But I use 3,000 because around here small planes fly at 2500. [ sound of airplane flying ] [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. Got kind of a special project up at the lodge this week. You know they've got this deal where you can twin your town or city with another town or city, even in another country? And then you do the switcheroo. You live in somebody else's home, and you see how they live and what their house smells like. We figured this would be a great way to promote the lodge, so we sent a letter, an invitation to every state in america to see if they had a town or a city to twin with. I gotta tell you, their response so far has been a little negative. "over my dead body." "yeah, that could happen." "not right now, but call us back when hell freezes over." red! Red, we got a winner. Or should I say a twinner? Wow! You got a city that said yes? Oh, no, not just a city. Really? Not just a town. What? A whole state! What? Yeah! Oh, my gosh! Try and guess which one. Well, it'd have to be a state like us. I'd say confusion. Yes, pretty close. Pretty close. It's iowa. [ cheering and applause ] wow! Oh, man, the whole state of hawaii? No, I-o-wa. Iowa. (disappointed) oh, that's even better. Yeah, the way they explained it to me is that they had a bunch of people they felt they could do without for a couple of weeks, and I told them there were 50 people doing the exchange. Well, I'm gonna go get packed. Oh, no, I don't think you should go. Huh? No, you're the lodge leader. I think that it's your job to stay here and welcome these -- what do you call people from iowa? I-o-u-ians? Well, whatever, but you know, you really need to show these people a good time while they're here. Besides, I heard maybe someone had a little problem the last time they crossed the border. Yeah, well, um -- the customs guy and I had a personality conflict... I had one, he didn't. And that led to an authority problem, where he had some and I didn't. So now I'm denied access to the u.S. For two years, so I've either gotta wait it out or shave my beard off. I'd wait it out. [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] yesiree. And today dwight cardiff's gonna be playing for a new pair of running shoes! Which should pretty much last a lifetime. Okay, red, you've 30 seconds to get dwight to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Uh, okay, dwight, use your imagination. Okay? If you ever worked hard you would break out in a... Rash. No, no. This is wet. It comes out of your body whenever you do hard physical labour. Oh, tears. Let's say you see a guy out in the noon day sun pounding rocks. And you say, "boy, he's really working up a..." cardiac infarction. All right, let's say you've got a real good friend asks you for a favour and you say, "hey, no..." chance. Dalton: Almost outta time, red. What do you have on there, dwight? What's that called? I dunno. Activewear? No, it's a suit. It's a kind of suit. Leisure suit? Last clue, red. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, what do athletes do in that kind of outfit? Commercials. Look, red, I don't really want the shoes. Don't sweat it. There you go. You got it! [ cheering and applause ] it's time for that portion of the show where we feature those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! And our letter reads as follows... "dear experts... "I have to deliver the eulogy at an uncle's funeral next week, "and I don't know what to say. "he never came to any family gatherings, "and none of us really knew him. "still, I feel we owe him something "because when he died, he left us each a pretty good chunk of change. "any suggestions?" signed "in the black." well, I would say you can say whatever you want. The guy's not gonna argue with you. You know, red, I don't think you're the right person to answer this question. Funerals are a time for forgiveness and serious reflection. Isn't that the way you do it at the funeral home, brian? Not if I can help it. Planting people is a tough business. I mean, all day long you've got to be straight faced and sober and serious. Sober's the hardest. I guess you gotta just grab your laughs where you can get 'em. Oh, you said it. We have this one organist, likes to slip in other songs in between regular funeral music. Oh, it is hard to keep a straight face when he starts playing hit the road, jack. [ laughter ] you morticians kill me. No, that's doctors. We're just the clean-up crew. [ laughter and applause ] if our um -- if our viewer is still watching, um -- listen, I don't think you're gonna get anywhere with the eulogy. I think you're on your -- I think you're on your own. And that's a good thing. Whoa, no, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Okay, the eulogy thing. Well, if you don't know the guy that well, it's best to go with our standard send-off speech, which, by the way, is available on our new gravesite website. Www.Dead.Com "ashes to ashes, dust to dust. "some guys wear out, others just rust. "this one was quiet, not much to say, "and he's looking more laid back than ever today. "but don't waste your tears "it's no time to grieve. "we all prefer guests who know when to leave. "if he's gone to heaven, he won't have it so rough. "and if he's gone straight to hell, "you'll meet again soon enough." [ cheering and applause ] I know a lot of you guys have an old bag at home that only gets out when you go play hockey. I'm talking about one of these, eh. And I bet the stuff inside hasn't seen the light of day in a while, has it? If you're like me, the only time you hit the ice these days is when you tip your glass up too high. So this week on -- [ choking ] on handyman corner -- I'm gonna show you how you can turn your old hockey equipment into state of the art fishing gear. Okay, you start with the hockey stick itself -- or as I call it now, the fishing rod. We're gonna attach the reel on here using the right-winger's secret weapon, hockey tape. A person is never too old to change. I know what you're thinking. "get reel." well, I did. I used the extra rolls of hockey tape to finish the job. What you might wanna do is keep a goalie mask handy too; you know, in case you're fishing out of season or maybe your rod has an illegal curve. Now, I guess we could just stop with what we've got so far, but hey, we have a lot more unused hockey gear still in the bag, so I say we take her up a notch or two and do our fishing from a boat. I've already got a cooler, one leg for drinks, the other for bait. Okay, I've attached the elbow pads and shin pads all along the sides of the boat here in case I come in here in a break away and hit the posts. Then I put all my fishing gear into the hockey bag, so I say it's time to go fishing. [ laughter and applause ] I found the seat a bit too hard in this unit, so I got out the goalie equipment and stacked the pads. That'll also save me from having any surprises in the five hole. Thought about using my protective cup as a bobber on that. Brought back too many painful memories. All right, that's enough talk. Let's do some fishing. I'm sure I'll catch a fish in a couple of minutes. Two minutes, tops. Two minutes for high sticking. [ chuckling ] [ sniffling ] you know, gump worsley's real name was lorne. And it's just that easy. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ sound of reel catching ] oh, man! Oh, I've got one! Oh, boy, she's a big one. She's a big one. Let me use the net! Gonna need the net on this. [ buzzer ] [ applause ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys for a minute. Remember when you were 14 years old, and you went and told your parents in that real snotty voice you had that you were never gonna turn out like them? You were never going to be fat or have a boring job. And you were going to listen to jimi hendrix forever. Remember how surprised you were when they didn't get mad or try to get even? Well, take a look at yourself right now, driving that massive gut home from the bowling ball factory, with the radio playing kenny g. There. And when you get home your own kids are gonna tell you that you are absolutely, totally out of it. And just like your parents, you're not gonna say anything to them because you know you don't have to. You now realise that parents don't need to get revenge. Mother nature will do it for you. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you something else... If she won't, the police will. So what you gotta concentrate on now is your own parents, who are probably about a million years old. I suggest you take the best care of them you can. Not so much because you want to, but because mother nature is watching, and so are your own kids. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ cheering and applause ] well, our visitors from iowa started arriving today. I understand they have a bit of an accent. They say 'out' and 'about' kinda weird. Other than that, I hope they're just like the guys at the lodge; you know, normal. Heck, there's only 50 of 'em. I can keep 50 people entertained for half an hour. I've got the ratings to prove it. Oh -- oh, dalton I see the people from iowa are here. Oh, yeah, that's them. They seem fine. How come they're looking up in the sky there? [ laughing ] I -- I told them the lodge was named after a possum that arcs through the sky every year about this time. They're watching for it. [ laughter ] they're gonna fit in great up here. Oh, yeah. I, uh -- I have some -- something I have to tell you, red. Is this personal? No. Okay, go ahead. Uh, this is just the first wave. There's 500 of 'em. What?! [ laughter ] they said that if we send down 50, that america's got ten times more people, so they're gonna send up 500. Okay, okay, okay. That's a load off. Hey! Dalton, get back here! Well, I gotta go. I'm leaving for iowa in an hour. You can't leave me here with 500 of 'em. Oh, they won't bother you. They're very self-sufficient. They'll bother me! I'm the lodge leader. They'll come to me. Oh, no, they won't. These are americans, red. No, they pay no attention at all to their leaders. [ laughter and applause ] winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Space, the final frontier; sewage, the final back tier. [ applause ] oh, hey, there, boys and girls. I'm just about set with a brand new animated film. Hey, I think that my drawings and characterizations are getting better and better all the time, don't you? Well, heck, if you do, why don't you write a letter to your local tv station and tell them? You know, you might want to go as far as to say that ranger gord's animated films are by far the best part of the red green show, and should be a separate and better show all on their own. Remember only you can write a letter like that. I apparently can't write a letter like that to a tv station, because they always call me and say they recognize my handwriting. Anyway, I'm just about set here. Remember, be real. It's not necessary that you say the rest of "the red green show" sucks, unless you really want to. Okay, here we go. Here's your favourite part of the show. [ ♪♪ ] [ ♪ ] question for you... Who would win a race to the moon? A space alien in a flying saucer or myself sitting in my watchtower? Is this a trick question, ranger gord? Gord, are you nuts? Red: What's going on here? Hey, put me down! Whoa, what are the chances of that happening? No time for math, harold. To the watchtower! [ "flying" sounds ] [ high tech flying sounds ] engage the sirens, harold. [ electronic beeps ] [ police siren screaming ] pull over! Do you realise how fast you were going? You were approaching the speed of light, my friend. And school is out. Aah! What's this? Well, harold, looks like this guy has a license to travel at any speed and a license to abduct small woodland creatures. You realise you missed one? Oh, ahh. Pop your trunk there, buddy. Don't worry, guys. Getting an implant in your neck is a small price to pay for a trip into deep space. You two are very fortunate. [ muffled cries from harold and red ] [ muffled cries continue ] you know, folks, I just assumed that alien was doing something wrong, and that's not right. Never judge a book by its cover, or an alien by what it's doing. Ha ha ha. Bye bye. [ applause ] [ no audio ] here's a tip that will keep your wife happy if you're late at a lodge meeting or a sporting event or a police lineup and you know you're not going to make it home by curfew. You know these plug-in timers have been around for a few years, but they've never really reached their full potential until now. Let's say on Friday night coming up your wife's gonna expect you home at 10:00, and you know there's no way you're gonna get there before midnight. No problem. First of all, one day when she's not home, take one of these tape machines, and record the sound of your own back door opening and closing. [ sound of door opening and closing ] now, you rewind the tape; you unplug her. You plug it into one of these timers. You set the unit for 10:00 p.M. You plug her back in. Because you know by 10:00, your wife's gonna be lying in bed just listening for the sound of that door. Now, how many married guys go straight to bed when they get home? Not counting newlyweds, I'd say zero. So the next sound she's listening for is the tv coming on. Well, that's where your second timer comes in. Turn her on there, set the channel, and you set the timer for a minute later. Just make sure you've got the tv set for one of the sports channels. If terms of endearment comes on there, it's all over. Otherwise, it's just that easy. But remember, this is just for an occasional emergency. You do this once too often, your wife's liable to catch on. Woman on tape: Honey, is that you? [ laughter ] man, I feel like a stranger in my own town with all these iowa people roaming around. Mind you, they don't ask for much, and we got plenty of that. [ laughter ] I kind of like having them around here, to be honest with you. I'm actually not missing the guys all that much. I -- I'm not missing them at all. Actually, I think I might even prefer it this way. [ cheering and applause ] am I having an hallucination of some kind here? Hello, red. We'd like to introduce ourselves. I'm douglas hudson of the hudson's everything store, ames, iowa. Hi, douglas. How you doing? [ applause and laughter ] and this is mark. Mark, how are you? Hello, mr green. Hey, hey, hey! And this is hector. Hey?! And this is vincent of the oskaloosa sewage and septic sucking services. When you play poker with me, a flush beats a full house. [ cheering and applause ] now, this is spooky. We really enjoy your television show. Oh, well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. You guys from iowa like comedy, do you? It's comedy? [ possum squealing ] all right, that's the meeting. Way you go. You guys go ahead. I need a moment here. Oh, my gosh. [ cheering and applause ] no! Go! Go! [ laughter and applause ] [ whistling and applause ] okay, if my wife is watching, that man is not me! If I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal I.D., and I think you know what I mean by that! To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, real or fake, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] sit, sit. Sit down. Red look-alike: All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Real red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, I've got some great news for you. I know you're supposed to be going back to iowa today, but I know you've already enjoyed yourselves here. I've decided to extend the hospitality. You're all allowed to stay for another couple of weeks. [ silence ] I'm extending that invitation to each and every one of you. Now, if for some oddball reason somebody does need to get back, you should probably excuse yourself from the meeting now and go upstairs before the buses leave. Hey, wait, wait wait, wait! Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com